Safe, Modern, Effective!

So efficient you'll hardly know it's there!

You'll quickly become the envy of your neighborhood once you have this marvel of modern technology installed in the basement of your home!

Just imagine . . . no more awkward bending at the waist or squatting down to fiddle with the controls on one of those old-fashioned models! Once this ultra-modern product is in place, bruised knuckles and sore knees from constant manual re-calibrations will be a thing of the past.

And say goodbye to those unpleasant family arguments about whose turn it is to go downstairs to perform the exhausting series of calculations required to decrement the counter to zero on your old, inferior unit!

Annoying and embarrassing resets are no longer even an issue with this space-age device! Thanks to its advanced patented features allowing it to sense the molecular fluctuations of your home's systems, this model adapts and adjusts itself automatically! Plus, it's the only model approved  for both organic and inorganic variances!

At last, you'll be able to fall into an untroubled sleep whenever you choose knowing that the unit's sychronous retro-entabulators are working quietly in the background day and night to provide the most desirable levels of output available by law for everyone in your household.

We're so certain that you'll be delighted with this product that we're offering free delivery and set-up for the month of January. As an extra bonus, we'll even remove your old unit to be safely dismantled for disposal at our facilities.

With the End of the World predicted by the Mayan Calendar less than a year away, don't you think it's time you made an investment in the well-being of your family today? While we can't guarantee absolute safety in the event of a galactic apocalypse, we can assure you that once this product is in place, cleanup will be a breeze!

Order Yours Today!

NOW JUST $4850, while supplies last.
(Please specify square footage of home, birth dates of family members,
and religious affiliations prior to ordering so that we may determine the
model right for you.)

The End May Be Near

I'm guessing the Founding Fathers never saw this coming.

This week in my travels, I found this particularly upsetting example of a product that manages to combine our culture's unhealthy obsession with both youth and fame in one garish package.

No, your eyes don't deceive you. It's a Justin Bieber "Brush Buddies™" set.

Is there no end to the indignities we must endure?

Apparently not.

It's bad enough that numerous news agencies are all up in our collective faces incessantly reporting the dimwitted escapades of the cretinous celebrities our declining society has produced, but now we're being asked to put them in our mouths.

According to the product's description, in addition to dental floss, this boxed set contains not only a "child-sized" Justin Bieber toothbrush but also an "adult-sized" version. Personally, I'm a bit appalled by both, but there's something extra-creepy about the fact the toothbrush is available in a model for grownups.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking if the only way you can find to bond with your offspring is by hovering over the bathroom sink together and scrubbing your pearly-whites with singing* toothbrushes embellished with Justin's face (whose features, like the toothbrush itself, appear to have been molded of plastic), the time may have come for you to take a hard look at who is actually in charge of your household.

And if you're an adult buying this product for yourself? Well . . .  decorum prohibits me from continuing. Let's just say that perhaps some sort of counseling is in order, and leave it there.

If you're still skeptical that the End Times are rapidly drawing near, feel free to follow this link: Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush. Or perhaps this one: Brush Buddies Commercial.

Or, better yet, skip both links altogether and preserve whatever shreds of sanity you may still possess.

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*You heard right: At the touch of a button, the toothbrushes also "sing" a two-minute rendition of your choice of two tunes from The Bieb's musical catalog. Somehow I suspect that the sound quality will be less than "Audiophile".