Saturday, June 22, 2013

Episode 3, Part 1: Party Invitations

TRANSCRIPT OF THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN
DR. QUENTIN BLOOR, DIRECTOR OF THE FACILITY,
AND ROBERT, "ROCK" ABSLAB, HEAD OF SECURITY
FOR THE FACILITY:

Preceeding Episodes can be found at the following links:

----------------
DQB (Dr. Quentin Bloor): "Abslab, are you there? Come in Abslab, this is Bloor."
[static]

DQB" "Come in Abslab. We have a situation. Please come in."

"This is Abslab. Come in Dr. Bloor."
RA (Robert Abslab): "This is Abslab. What's up, Doc?"

DQB: "I do wish you wouldn't phrase your salutations that way, Absab. This conversation is far from cartoonish in nature."

RA: "Sorry sir. No disrespect intended. Just trying to keep it [censored] light, you know? What's the situation?"

DQB: "We need you to come home. Immediately. New information has surfaced regarding the disappearance of Kowalski. You're to be redeployed to the canyon."

RA: "[censored]. Are you serious? Gottlieb's just locked in on a possible exit gate for the subject of the current mission. I've got a [censored] team saddled up and ready to roll through."

DQB: "Well saddle your cowboys up for the canyon instead, Abslab. 'OPERATION WALDO' takes precedence. Need I remind you that Kowalski is family and this directive thereby supersedes any and all active missions?"

[static]

DQB: Abslab, are you there?"

RA: "Sorry sir. We're picking up a load of [censored] bleed-through signals from Gottlieb's gate. Reading you 5-by-5 now. Message understood. Calling in the crew and packing up."

DQB: "Splendid. We'll have everything you need upon arrival. MacGreggor will be standing by to brief you and your men in Conference Room B in, shall we say, 12 hours? That should be adequate time for travel and a bit of rest and recuperation for your team, will it not?"

RA: "We can rest when we're [censored] dead, sir. We'll be there and ready in half that if you need us."

DQB: "I appreciate the dedication, Abslab, but this looks like a next-level mission. I need you and your men to be crisp prior to departure. Take the R&R time. Am I being clear about this?"

RA: "Crystal. See you in 12, sir."

DQB: "Outstanding. Over and out."

[static]
------------

To Be Continued....



Monday, June 10, 2013

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Targeted Areas Appear in Red
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Based on the same electronic technology used in the V-Chip™ found in many consumer televisions, the LF-Chip™ discretely attaches itself to the major linguistic centers of the human brain, unobtrusively converting verbal profanity signals, from the audio perspective of listeners, to an inoffensive garbled buzzing sound!

But wait, there's more!

In addition to "cleaning up"  verbalizations,  the LF-Chip also effectively expurgates even written transcripts, causing potentially offensive words and passages to appear as the bracketed substitute of "[censored]". The LF-Chip™ can also be pre-programmed based on The Carlin Scale of Linguistic Acceptability, as well as standards set by the Motion Picture Rating System, to allow or disallow certain words or phrases. 

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"I was pretty [censored] skeptical at first, because it's like if I can't swear, I can't [censored] think straight. But the beauty of this [censored] gizmo is that in my mind I'm still swearing, you know? So there's no cognitive dissonance to [censored] up my train of thought like if I had to stop and self-censor by trying to come up with some word to substitute for what I'd naturally use. I don't get why certain words are such a big [censored] deal to some people, but whatever. If the LF-Chip™ helps keep me in the [censored] field kicking ass, without slowing me down mentally, what the hell, I say."

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*In cases of extreme duress, the processors in the LF-Chip™ may malfunction and allow some external profanity leakage.