Breaking (Up) Dawn

Edward's Smoldering New Look

In the news today, the already messy and very public divorce of "Twilight" couple, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, got even uglier when, according to Edward, Bella maliciously switched his hairspray with a can of pressurized Holy Water.

Sources close to the couple say that Bella began behaving in an increasingly psychotic manner shortly after being "turned" by her vampiric spouse in his attempt to save her life following a particularly difficult childbirth.

"She got, like, way mean," says Tammi Anklefoot, former neighbor. "She started telling Edward they needed to hunt humans, you know, and saying, like, they should drink people blood instead of animal blood and stuff."

Anklefoot recalls often hearing loud arguments coming from the Cullen home. "Bella used to scream at him, and be all like, 'you're just a pasty-faced sissy' and stuff. He usually ended up running out of the house and driving off. It was way sad 'cause I could see he'd been crying."

Bella, who is no longer seen publicly, said in a brief phone interview that, "Edward turned out to be a major freaking disappointment. Once I saw the power of the night, the path became clear to me, and I realized it was not a path I could share with him. His constant brooding and all that time spent on his hair are the traits of a weakling, and not conducive to the inhuman lifestyle that calls to me in the dark hours."

Edward, speaking with great difficulty due to the damage done to his face, blames the collapse of their short-lived marriage on Bella's response to her tremendous weight gain while pregnant with the couple's unholy spawn.

"Bella was always a mite meaty in the drumsticks even before we married," he says, "and while she was carrying, she really packed it on. Afterwards she just couldn't seem to lose the extra weight, and somehow that was my fault." Edward adds that Bella believed drinking human blood would help her lose weight, and that she was angry he wouldn't physically or emotionally support her nocturnal predations.

Divorce proceedings have been delayed while doctors and cosmetologists try to determine if Edward's disfigured features will just grow back on their own, or if reconstructive surgeons and emergency hairdo specialists will need to be called in.